"No-Cry Sleep Solution:
Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night"
Elizabeth Pantley

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Publishing from The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 2002
http://www.pantley.com/Elizabeth

1. Newborn Babies and Sleep

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. This is a glorious time in your life. Whether this is your first baby or your fifth, you will find this a time of recovery, adjustment, sometimes confusion and frustration, but - most wonderfully - of falling in love.

Babies younger than four months old have very different sleep needs than older babies. This article will help you understand your newborn baby's developing sleep patterns, and will help you develop reasonable expectations when it comes to your baby and sleep.

Read, Learn, and Beware of Bad Advice

Absolutely everyone has an opinion about how you should handle sleep issues with your new baby. The danger to a new parent is that these tidbits of misguided advice (no matter how well-intentioned) can truly have a negative effect on our parenting skills and, by extension, our babies' development if we are not aware of the facts. The more knowledge you have the less likely that other people will make you doubt your parenting decisions.

When you have your facts straight, and when you have a parenting plan, you will be able to respond with confidence to those who are well-meaning but offering contrary or incorrect advice. So, your first step is to get smart! Know what you are doing, and know why you are doing it. Read books and magazines, attend classes or support groups - it all helps.

The Biology of Newborn Sleep

During the early months of your baby's life, he sleeps when he is tired, it' s really that simple. You can do very little to force a new baby to sleep when he doesn't want to sleep, and conversely, you can do little to wake him up when he is sleeping soundly.

A very important point to understand about newborn babies is that they have very, very tiny tummies. New babies grow rapidly, their diet is liquid, and it digests quickly. Formula digests quickly and breast milk digests even more rapidly. Although it would be nice to lay your little bundle down at a predetermined bedtime and not hear a peep from him until morning, even the most na•ve among us know that this is not a realistic goal for a tiny baby. Newborns need to be fed every two to four hours - and sometimes more.

During those early months, your baby will have tremendous growth spurts that affect not only daytime, but also nighttime feeding as well, sometimes pushing that two- to four-hour schedule to a one- to two-hour schedule around the clock.

Sleeping "through the night"

You have probably heard that babies should start "sleeping through the night" at about two to four months of age. What you must understand is that, for a new baby, a five-hour stretch is a full night. Many (but nowhere near all) babies at this age can sleep uninterrupted from midnight to 5 a.m. (Not that they always do.) A far cry from what you may have thought "sleeping through the night" meant!

Here we pause while the shock sinks in for those of you who have a baby who sleeps through the night but didn't know it.

What's more, while the scientific definition of "sleeping through the night" is five hours, most of us wouldn't consider that anywhere near a full night' s sleep for ourselves. Also, some of these sleep-through-the-nighters will suddenly begin waking more frequently, and it's often a full year or even two until your little one will settle into a mature, all-night, every night sleep pattern.

Falling Asleep at the Breast or Bottle

It is very natural for a newborn to fall asleep while sucking at the breast, a bottle, or a pacifier. When a baby always falls asleep this way, he learns to associate sucking with falling asleep; over time, he cannot fall asleep any other way. I have heard a number of sleep experts refer to this as a "negative sleep association." I certainly disagree, and so would my baby. It is probably the most positive, natural, pleasant sleep association a baby can have. However, a large percentage of parents who are struggling with older babies who cannot fall asleep or stay asleep are fighting this natural and powerful sucking-to-sleep association.

Therefore, if you want your baby to be able to fall asleep without your help, it is essential that you sometimes let your newborn baby suck until he is sleepy, but not totally asleep. When you can, remove the breast, bottle, or pacifier from his mouth and let him finish falling asleep without something in his mouth. When you do this, your baby may resist, root, and fuss to regain the nipple. It's perfectly okay to give him back the breast, bottle, or pacifier and start over a few minutes later. If you do this often enough, he will eventually learn how to fall asleep without sucking.

Waking for Night Feedings

Many pediatricians recommend that parents shouldn't let a newborn sleep longer than three or four hours without feeding, and the vast majority of babies wake far more frequently than that. (There are a few exceptional babies who can go longer.) No matter what, your baby will wake up during the night. The key is to learn when you should pick her up for a night feeding and when you can let her go back to sleep on her own.

This is a time when you need to focus your instincts and intuition. This is when you should try very hard to learn how to read your baby's signals. Here 's a tip that is critically important for you to know. Babies make many sleeping sounds, from grunts to whimpers to outright cries, and these noises don't always signal awakening. These are what I call sleeping noises, and your baby is nearly or even totally asleep during these episodes. I remember when my first baby, Angela, was a newborn. Her cry awakened me many times, yet she was asleep in my arms before I even made it from cradle to rocking chair. She was making sleeping noises. In my desire to respond to my baby's every cry, I actually taught her to wake up more often!

You need to listen and watch your baby carefully. Learn to differentiate between these sleeping sounds and awake and hungry sounds. If she is awake and hungry, you'll want to feed her as quickly as possible. If you respond immediately when she is hungry, she will most likely go back to sleep quickly. But, if you let her cry escalate, she will wake herself up totally, and it will be harder and take longer for her to go back to sleep. Not to mention that you will then be wide awake, too!

Help Your Baby Distinguish Day from Night

A newborn baby sleeps about sixteen to eighteen hours per day, and this sleep is distributed evenly over six to seven brief sleep periods. You can help your baby distinguish between nighttime sleep and daytime sleep, and thus help him sleep longer periods at night.

Begin by having your baby take his daytime naps in a lit room where he can hear the noises of the day, perhaps a bassinet or cradle located in the main area of your home. Make nighttime sleep dark and quiet. You can also help your baby differentiate day naps from night sleep by using a nightly bath and a change into sleeping pajamas to signal the difference between the two.

Watch for Signs of Tiredness

One way to encourage good sleep is to get familiar with your baby's sleepy signals and put her down to sleep as soon as she seems tired. A baby cannot put herself to sleep, nor can she understand her own sleepy signs. Yet a baby who is encouraged to stay awake when her body is craving sleep is typically an unhappy baby. Over time, this pattern develops into sleep deprivation, which further complicates your baby's developing sleep maturity. Learn to read your baby's sleepy signs and put her to bed when that window of opportunity presents itself.

Make Yourself Comfortable

I've yet to hear a parent tell me that she or he loves getting up throughout the night to tend to a baby's needs. As much as we adore our little bundles, it's tough when you're woken up over and over again, night after night. Since it's a fact that your baby will be waking you up, you may as well make yourself as comfortable as possible. The first step is to learn to relax about night wakings right now. Being stressed or frustrated about having to get up won't change a thing. The situation will improve day by day; and before you know it, your little newborn won't be so little anymore - she'll be walking and talking and getting into everything in sight during the day, and sleeping peacefully all night long.

2. What is Preventing Your Baby from Sleeping Through the Night?

Here's something that may really surprise you: As much as we may want our babies to sleep through the night, our own subconscious emotions sometimes hold us back from encouraging change in our babies' sleeping habits. You yourself may be the very obstacle preventing a change in a routine that disrupts your life. So let's figure out if anything is standing in your way.

Examine Your Own Needs and Goals

Today's society leads us to believe that "normal babies" sleep through the night from about two months; my research indicates that this is more the exception than the rule. The number of families in your boat could fill a fleet of cruise ships.

"At our last day-care parent meeting, one father brought up the fact that his two-year-old daughter wasn't sleeping through the night. I discovered that out of 24 toddlers only six stayed asleep all night long." Robin, mother of thirteen-month-old Alicia

You must figure out where your own problem lies. Is it in your baby's routine, in your management of it, or simply in the minds of others? If you can honestly say you want to change your baby's sleep habits because they are truly disruptive to you and your family, then you're ready to make changes. But if you feel coerced into changing Baby's patterns because Great Grandma Beulah or your friend from playgroup says that's the way it should be, it's time for a long, hard think.

Certainly, if your little one is waking you up every hour or two, you don't have to think long on the question, "Is this disruptive to me?" It obviously is. However, if your baby is waking up only once or twice a night, it's important that you determine exactly how much this pattern is disturbing to you, and decide on a realistic goal. Be honest in assessing the situation's effect on your life. Begin today by contemplating these questions:

* Am I content with the way things are, or am I becoming resentful, angry, or frustrated?
* Is my baby's nighttime routine negatively affecting my marriage, job, or relationships with my other children?
* Is my baby happy, healthy, and seemingly well rested?
* Am I happy, healthy, and well rested?

Once you answer these questions, you will have a better understanding of not only what is happening with regard to your baby's sleep, but also how motivated you are to make a change.

Reluctance to Let Go of Those Nighttime Moments

A good, long, honest look into your heart may truly surprise you. You may find you actually relish those quiet night wakings when no one else is around. I remember in the middle of one night, I lay nursing Coleton by the light of the moon. The house was perfectly, peacefully quiet. As I gently stroked his downy hair and soft baby skin, I marveled at this tiny being beside me-and the thought hit me, "I love this! I love these silent moments that we share in the night." It was then that I realized that even though I struggled through my baby's hourly nighttime wakings, I needed to want to make a change in our night waking habits before I would see any changes in his sleeping patterns.

You may need to take a look at your own feelings. And if you find you're truly ready to make a change, you'll need to give yourself permission to let go of this stage of your baby's life and move on to a different phase in your relationship. There will be lots of time to hug, cuddle, and love your little one, but you must truly feel ready to move those moments out of your sleeping time and into the light of day.

Worry About Your Baby's Safety

We parents worry about our babies, and we should! With every night waking, as we have been tending to our child's nightly needs, we have also been reassured that our baby is doing fine - every hour or two all night long. We get used to these checks; they provide continual reassurance of Baby's safety.

"The first time my baby slept five straight hours, I woke up in a cold sweat. I nearly fell out of bed and ran down the hall. I was so sure that something was horribly wrong. I nearly wept when I found her sleeping peacefully." Azza, mother of seven-month-old Laila

CO-sleeping parents are not exempt from these fears. Even if you are sleeping right next to your baby, you'll find that you have become used to checking on her frequently through the night. Even when she's sleeping longer stretches, you aren't sleeping, because you're still on security duty.

These are very normal worries, rooted in your natural instincts to protect your baby. Therefore, for you to allow your baby to sleep for longer stretches, you'll need to find ways to feel confident that your baby is safe-all night long.

Once you reassure yourself that your baby is safe while you sleep, you'll have taken that first step toward helping her sleep all night.

Belief That Things Will Change on Their Own

You may hope, pray, and wish that one fine night, your baby will magically begin to sleep through the night. Maybe you're crossing your fingers that he 'll just "outgrow" this stage, and you won't have to do anything different at all. It's a very rare night-waking baby who suddenly decides to sleep through the night all on his own. Granted, this may happen to you-but your baby may be two, three or four years old when it does! Decide now whether you have the patience to wait that long, or if you are ready to gently move the process along.

Too Fatigued to Work Toward Change

Change requires effort, and effort requires energy. In an exhausted state, we may find it easier just to keep things as they are than try something different. In other words, when Baby wakes for the fifth time that night, and I'm desperate for sleep, it's so much easier just to resort to the easiest way to get him back to sleep (rock, nurse, or replace the pacifier) than it is to try something different.

Only a parent who is truly sleep deprived can understand what I'm saying here. Others may calmly advise, "Well if things aren't working for you, just change what you're doing." However, every night waking puts you in that foggy state where the only thing you crave is going back to sleep-plans and ideas seem like too much effort.

If you are to help your baby sleep all night, you will have to force yourself to make some changes and follow your plan, even in the middle of the night, even if it's the tenth time your baby has called out for you.

So, after reading this article and you're sure you and your baby are ready, it's time for you to make a commitment to change. That is the first important step to helping your baby sleep through the night.

3. Regular Naps Improve Nighttime Sleep

According to sleep research, and motherly experience, the length and the quality of naps affect nighttime sleep. (And, conversely, nighttime sleep affects naps.)

Babies differ in their napping needs - but here's a general guide that applies to most babies:

Age _________Number of Naps _________Hours of Naptime
4 months __________3 ____________________4-6
6 months __________2 ____________________3-4
9 months __________2 __________________2 and a half - 4
12 months ________1-2 ___________________2-3
2 years ___________1 ____________________1-2
3 years ___________1 ___________________1-1 and a half

When should your baby nap?

Timing of naps is important. A nap too late in the day will negatively affect nighttime sleep. Certain times of the day are better for napping because they suit your baby's biological clock; these optimum periods balance sleep and wake time to affect nighttime sleep in the most positive way.

All babies are different, but generally, the best nap times are as follows:
? If baby takes three naps: midmorning/early afternoon/early evening
? If baby takes two naps: midmorning/early afternoon
? If baby takes one nap: early afternoon

Watch your baby's sleepy signals!

Naps should happen immediately when your baby shows signs of tiredness. If you wait too long, she becomes overtired, "wired up," and unable to sleep.

Once you are familiar with the your baby's nap needs you can plan a nap routine to start the wind-down process. If consistent naps are new to you look more for your baby's signs of tiredness and scrimp on the routine until you settle into a predictable pattern. In other words, don't begin a lengthy pre-nap routine if your baby is clearly ready to sleep! Watch for these signs of fatigue; your baby may demonstrate one or more of these:

* decreasing activity
* quieting down
* losing interest in people and toys
* rubbing eyes
* looking "glazed"
* fussing
* yawning
* laying down
* caressing a lovey or asking for a pacifier, bottle or to nurse

Timing is very, very important!

You have probably experienced this scenario: Your baby looks tired and you think, "Time for a nap." So, you wash her hands and face, change her diaper, answer a phone call, put out the dog, and head for baby's crib or the family bed, only to find that she's suddenly wide awake and anxious to play! What happened? She has moved through her window of tiredness and gotten that "second wind" that buys her another hour or two of alert time before she reenters her tired state. This can often happen later in the day. Suddenly, your baby is (finally!) ready for a nap at dinnertime, and the plot thickens- do you put her for a late nap and thus extend bedtime, or keep her awake and deal with a tired, fussy baby? Rather than face this ordeal, respond earlier to her signs of fatigue and get her in for her nap right at that time.

Once you have watched your baby carefully for a week or so, you should be able to create a nap schedule that works with her daily periods of alertness and tiredness, thus making your nap schedule easy to adhere to.

The nap routine

Once you've established a nap schedule for your baby, it is very helpful if you create a simple but specific nap routine. This routine should be different from your nighttime routine, although it can have similarities that signal sleep- for example, the presence of a lovely or special sleep-inducing music. Follow your nap routine the same way every day. (Except, as I mentioned before, if your baby is showing clear signs of being tired and ready to sleep. Then abbreviate or even eliminate your routine for that day.)

For a reluctant napper, your routine might include some relaxing motion, such as rocking/relaxing in a swing/walking in a sling or stroller, and some gentle lullaby music.

A nap routine doesn't have to be long and involved to be effective. If your baby's nap occurs about the same time every day there will be many subtle cues, such as the timing of his lunch, that tell your baby that nap time is nearing.

Better naps mean better nighttime sleep.

4. Early Bedtime Means Better Baby Sleep

In their efforts to encourage their baby to sleep better, one approach that many parents use is to put their baby to bed later in the evening. They think, "If he's "really tired" he'll sleep better, right?" Wrong! This often backfires because Baby becomes overtired, and chronically sleep-deprived.

In the majority of cases, a baby's biological clock is preset for an early bedtime. When parents work with that time, a baby falls asleep more easily and stays asleep more peacefully. Most babies are primed to go to sleep for the night as early as 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. I often hear about how babies and toddlers have a "melt down" period at the end of the day, when they get fussy, whiny and out of sorts. I suspect that it's simply a sign of over-tired children longing for sleep.

Early to bed, early to rise?

For babies, early to bed does not mean early to rise! Most babies sleep longer with an earlier bedtime. Many parents are afraid to put their baby to bed so early, thinking that they will then face a 5 a.m. wake up call. But keeping your little one up too late backfires, and more often, a late night is the one followed by that early morning awakening.

My youngest child, two-year-old Coleton used to go to bed at 9:30, the time when my three older children went to bed, because it was convenient for me. At that time in the evening, it would take him a long time to get settled. I never connected his inability to settle with his late bedtime. When I started putting him to bed at 7:00, he fell asleep much more quickly and slept more soundly.

What About Working Parents?

If you are a working parent, and your evening with your little one begins at 6:30 or 7:00, you may find yourself torn between keeping your baby up for some playtime and getting him right to bed. You may find, though, that when your baby goes to sleep earlier, and sleeps better, he awakens in a pleasant mood, eager to play. Because you have gotten a good night's sleep, you can consider getting up earlier in the morning and saving some time before work to play with your baby, as an alternative to that late-evening play session. You'll both enjoy that special morning time. Later, when your baby is consistently sleeping all night, every night, you can move bedtime a little later and judge whether the difference affects your baby's sleep.

Finding Your Baby's Best Bedtime

It can take some experimentation to find your baby's best bedtime. If you have been putting your baby to bed too late in the evening, you can approach this adjustment in one of two different ways:

1. Adjust your baby's bedtime to be earlier by fifteen to thirty minutes every two or three nights. Pay attention to how easily your baby falls asleep as well as his awakening time and mood to gauge the effectiveness of the changes until you settle on his best bedtime, or

2. Beginning at around 6:30 p.m., watch your baby closely. As soon as he exhibits any signs of tiredness (fussing, losing interest in toys, looking glazed, yawning) put him right to bed, even if his previous bedtime has been 11:00 p.m. When you do this, keep your home quiet and the baby's room dark so that it resembles his usual environment in the middle of the night. If this bedtime is substantially earlier than usual, your baby may think he's going down for a nap and awaken after a short snooze. If he does this, respond very quickly so that he doesn't fully awaken. Follow your usual method for helping him fall back to sleep, such as rocking or nursing; keep the room dark and quiet as you do during the middle of the night.

Here's what Tammy, mother of seven-month-old Brooklyn had to say about changing her baby's bedtime, "I had been waiting until 10:00 to put Brooklyn to bed because that's when I go to sleep. But your suggestion made so much sense that last night I put her down at 8:00. I loved having the evening to spend with my husband. We haven't spent that much time alone together in months! And the baby actually had a better night's sleep. I'm happy that all our needs can be met in such a pleasant way."

It may take a week or more of adjustment to settle into a new bedtime, but once you do, you'll find that both you and your baby are happier.

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