"Equality in Parenting
50/50: Is it possible?"
Cindy Hill-Ford, MFT

The idea of sharing responsibility for childrearing 50/50 is a great theory, but is it realistic? For modern day parents, the idea of jointly raising children where both spouses are equally involved in the moral, emotional, physical and spiritual development of their child can be a common pitfall in the relationship. We are a generation of parents who are educating ourselves on child development; we take seriously the emotional life of our children; we also have learned from the "mistakes" of our childhood and vowed never to do these things when we are parents. Raising "complete" children takes time and effort (as well as a lot of patience) on everyone's part. We would like to share these responsibilities jointly with our spouse. However, these expectations, though positively intended, may cause resentment and anger towards your partner if the partner is not pulling his/her load. Can 80/20 or 60/40 be enough?

I have the luxury to think about these thoughts with some distance from the early years of raising children. Honestly, it was not my expectation that it would be 50/50. I thought I would do my part (maybe 90% some days and 60% some others or even on the "lucky" days 20%) and my husband would do his part. I have been listening to a few "20 something" mothers who say they expect a 50/50 share in the responsibility and I am thinking to myself, is that possible or are you setting yourself up for failure. If you have actually developed a 50/50 plan then I applaud you and your partner; I would love to hear the details of your plan!

I see the negotiation of roles and responsibilities as on-going. As the child develops and changes, our roles and responsibilities change. When babies are born, it is all about Mom. It may be difficult for Dad to have the relationship he expected with a baby who is primarily concerned about his/her mother. As children grow and begins to enter the world, Dad becomes a more integral person to help navigate the challenges and stressors of the world outside. Mom is still a vibrant person in this navigation, but the child is more open to having two people providing safety and security. Given the biological component to parenting, it is challenging to formulate a plan which includes both Mom and Dad equally. However, the goal of a 50/50 split may be achieved as the child grows and develops and it may be important to keep the vision.

Some thoughts on how to develop the plan that fits best for your family:

• Have realistic expectations of roles and responsibilities for childrearing.
• Communicate with your partner about your expectations and actively listen to his/her expectations. Ask yourself, does it match? What are the similarities and the differences? How do we come to a middle ground that both partners can live with?
• Take a moment and think about how your view of family was shaped. Was it shaped from a reaction to a negative experience as a child or a positive experience as a child? How does that role play into your vision of family today?
• If you are feeling resentful and angry about the way the roles and responsibilities have developed, that is o.k. Communicate these feelings with your partner and develop a new approach which encompasses more equity.
• Make sure within your family plan there is time for yourself and time for you both as a couple. Remember your dreams together before children and reflect on how far you have come. This is truly good medicine.

Cindy Hill-Ford, MA, MFT is a Psychotherapist in private practice in Lafayette and in Berkeley. She contracts as a Behavior Specialist to a foster family agency. Currently, she is forming both pre & post adoptive parent support groups. For questions or comments, please call her at 925-210-9964 or email her at: hillford@sbcglobal.net

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