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"What to Expect From Your Older Child the First Year"
Cindy Hill-Ford, MFT
"Can we take him (her) back?" Older siblings, of any age, react to the arrival of a new baby in the home. These reactions can vary from physical outbursts to quiet withdrawal or a combination of both. Parents understand intellectually that their older child will have a reaction, but are often not prepared for the length or the intensity.
Regression of the older child (again of any age) is normal. It is not uncommon to have a child who has been potty-trained start wetting either during the day or night. It is not uncommon to have a child who was acting independently begin to "need help" with basic tasks, such as getting dressed or feeding themselves. The older child may demand the baby's things or want his/her own baby toys.
Children have an amazing ability to work out their issues while letting us know what is going on for them. Their actions may be expressing their underlying fears, "Do you still love me?" "I still need you, too! Can you take care of me too?" "Where do I fit into this new family?"
So, what can be done to help the older child feel more secure with the birth of a sibling?
- No matter what your family's decision is to include your child in the actual birth, you can have a plan to make the birth special for your older child, as well. Your child will feel the excitement around the birth and hopefully friends and family have included your older child in the pre-birth festivities. After the birth, letting your child know from the start that he or she has a special place in your heart and the family is important. Helping your child put words to his/her feelings will allow him/her to feel more in control. For the parents, understand that your older child may not fall in love with the baby right away. This love may take time due to the underlying feelings of your older child.
- The first few months (especially the first) are an adjustment period for the whole family, including your older child. His/her routine may be changed, his/her space will be shared and his/her parents are distracted and tired. This may cause overwhelming or confusing feelings. Since kids have difficulty expressing their feelings in appropriate ways, your child may act out through aggression or withdrawal. Especially with aggression, it is easy to lose patience and punish the child. This may be necessary; however, it is essential to keep in mind that your child is expressing his feelings around all the changes in his/her life.
- Helping your child put words to his feelings will help with the behavior problems. He/she will be able to express his/her fears and confusion when you are acknowledging his/her experience. Remember that these conversations do not need to take a lot of time and do not have to be formal. It can happen during everyday activities or chores. For younger children it is important to give them the words; few are able to express it on their own. Using empathy, one can say, "It must be hard for you when all the attention is on your sister or brother." Or, "I can see that you are angry a lot since the baby was born. Are you feeling that I don't love you anymore?"
- Children express themselves through their play; spending some time playing with your older child can help the conversation happen naturally. He or she may act out feelings by playing with dolls or action figures. Try and stay present and open to your child's feelings by reflecting back to him/her what you are seeing and by checking in with him/her if that is how he/she is feeling.
I understand that you have just had a baby and are physically and emotionally exhausted. This may all sound good in theory, but who has time or energy to do it? Personally I have found that it takes less time to help the older child with his or her feelings than it does to handle the negative behavior. If one or both parents do not have the time or energy to do so, then try and think of another safe adult that your child has a relationship with who may help him/her work through his/her feelings. A close friend or grandparent may have the emotional distance to navigate through this emotional time.
Even if your child does not have a full vocabulary, he or she can benefit from feeling that someone understands his/her experience. If your child is older, he/she may be more able to express the feelings. Whichever the case, the "job" for your older child is to work through the variety of emotional responses that the baby has resonated in him or her. Once these feelings are under control, a sibling relationship can begin to develop, one that can thrive and develop throughout the years.
Cindy Hill-Ford, MA, MFT is a Psychotherapist in private practice in Lafayette and in Berkeley. She contracts as a Behavior Specialist to a foster family agency. Currently, she is forming both pre & post adoptive parent support groups. For questions or comments, please call her at 925-210-9964 or email her at: hillford@sbcglobal.net
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