"Giving Attention to Number One" (Key Number 27)
Excerpted From : Keys to Preparing and
Caring For Your Second Child
Meg Zweiback

Published by Barron's Parenting Keys, c. 1991

No matter how much you enjoy spending time with your older child, you will find that your time together is more limited than it was before the new baby arrived. More importantly, even if you give your child what seems to be as much attention as you possibly can, the distraction of the new baby may make her feel as though she's never getting enough of your time. Try to remember that young children live in the moment. Even if you took the afternoon off on Monday to go to the zoo, your child won't care on Thursday morning when she wants you and you're too busy to play.

Since you can't carve out more than twenty-four hours from a day, and since there are many demands on your time that cannot be set aside, you will have to figure out how to give attention to your older child so that she will feel less deprived. The best way is to spend a short time with her every day, calling it "special time." This time is not a substitute for your usual interactions with her. It is a bonus, to make your child feel special when she may not be feeling special at all.

Special time lets your child know that you care about her, that you are interested in her, and that you want to be with her, even if you are often busy. Special time is a way to keep your child feeling secure and to avoid the buildup of tension that can lead to tantrums or deliberate misbehavior.

To plan for special time, choose a period during the day that you realistically can expect to spend with her every day without any distractions. For most parents, this will be about fifteen to twenty minutes. It's helpful to use a timer to mark the time. During this time, have someone else care for the baby unless youâre sure heâll be asleep. Don't answer the telephone, and ask your family and friends not to interrupt you.

Tell your child that even though you are very busy with the baby and other things, you want to make sure that the two of you have time together every day that is special. Let her choose the activity: this point is important. Often parents select the activity that they want, and the child soon realizes that the only way she can get attention is by going along with the parentsâ idea of fun! Don't be surprised if your child wants you to play with her by watching her play, or by being a character in a drama she invents. She may want to be in her room or go outdoors. The only restrictions that you should make are if she chooses an activity that is unsafe or cannot be done in the time you have.

At the end of the special time, tell your child that time is up for the day but that you will have special time again the next day. If your child wants to play longer by herself, she can, but you should end your part. You can play with her again later, but you want her to know that special time is the same every day. For a young child, this kind of ritual is very satisfying, and eventually you will find that saying, "Not now, but we can do that in our special time," will satisfy her.

If you are really too busy to give your child special time every day, try for every other day, or even three times a week. If even that much time is too hard, it's a good idea to look at whether youâve taken on too many other responsibilities.

Meg Zweiback is a pediatric nurse practitioner and consultant to families with young children. She writes monthly columns for Parents' Press and has written four books for parents: Keys to Preparing and Caring for Your Second Child, Keys to Parenting Your One-Year-Old, Keys to Parenting Your Two-Year-Old, and Keys to Toilet Training.

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